My Path | My choice

Hey guys! So life has been busy the last week or so with getting things ready for my beautiful girl to turn 3. However, I’ve also been waiting, waiting for a message from God, or just something to spark another post. I’ve been in a place of feeling stuck, and I know I am not the only one who ever feels this way. It’s frustrating to say the least, especially if you’re like me and most of the time you just want things to happen, or go faster. I tend to use up all my patience prematurely, and when I do, it can really start fires throughout my life, like just waves of flames here or there. I don’t know how it is for everyone else, but for me personally when one thing happens (whether good or bad), then more things tend to follow, or at least it seems to feel this way. I have done some good reading lately though to keep me encouraged and it really just dawned on me that all of these trials, and these seemingly impossible moments in life, are all just seasons, not one of them is forever even if in the moment it may feel that way. These in fact are just like our seasons, and just like seasonal weather that is constantly changing, and some seem longer or colder than others, you can always count on the fact that every season eventually comes to an end.

Through this waiting and the season of stuck I momentarily felt, life continued. When my whole world was crumbling down at home, my life had to continue outside of that. I still had work, and school, all of these other commitments that I had made. Trying to find the energy for anything else when you’re stuck in your head is also very hard, because these feelings and the negative energy it takes to feel them is draining. Trying to be a bubbly happy person when internally it feels I am empty is devastatingly hard. Through this emptiness though, is when you have the most space free for God to fill you, if you let Him. Don’t get me wrong, when you’re in that season, I am not saying the ending of it will be instantaneous if you ask God for it to be. I am saying however, if you give it to God, the waiting to the next season will be that much easier because it won’t be your worry. Hitting back on my last post, giving up that control we hold onto so tightly is so freeing. Not only that, it is far less draining to do life when you let go and you do give it to God. When push comes to shove, God will always have your back.

Growing up, I have seen firsthand what addiction can do to a family. I myself come from a very broken home. A home where pieces were broken off and seemed way too small to be glued back into place. I love my family. I love every single one of the imperfect and broken people God placed in my life, but that doesn’t mean it was an easy walk. No matter how wronged I may have been growing up, I learned something very quickly and at a young age. Forgiveness and the power of forgiveness. I am not God, and no matter how hurt I seemed, I am not in control of their sins or their eternal life, the only thing I am actually ever in control of is my response. How I handle every sting, bite, and burn I ever endure in my life is totally up to me.

When I was little, between the ages of 4-7, I loved to hang out with my next door neighbor, she was in high school and I really looked up to her. This neighbor was also my babysitter sometimes. I will refer to this neighbor as K, to make it easier as I continue on. On many occasions of being at K’s house she would have homework to also do and would ask me to be quiet or whatever she would need to complete her work. Now K had two older brothers, and I will refer to them and J and M. I never saw J much, he wasn’t usually there when I was, but M was, and during these visits M would do many very inappropriate things to me. As a child I didn’t know any better, I knew something always felt wrong, but I didn’t know how to voice this to anyone. For many years I endured this sexual abuse, and I didn’t fully feel the affect of what had happened until I was a teenager, about 15 or 16 to be exact. The darkness of those days weighed on me, and it didn’t help that my world at home wasn’t always the best situation either. For many years carrying this weighed on me. I felt everything from guilt to embarrassment, and it wasn’t until I had a daughter of my own that the anger kicked in. Many years of fighting the hold this had on me and I am pleased to say that I have forgiven him. If I continue on in my life allowing this to control my thoughts, my actions, and even my love for others I am playing right into satan’s game. The day I gave up what M did to me all of those years, and the day that seemingly endless season changed, I finally learned the power of forgiveness. I also learned the power of love, and how it can easily both destroy and build a home.

As I type this out now, many days from when I started it, I feel I have had a few season changes. The last 6 months have given me many hurdles, and many moments of never ending cold bitter seasons. The hardest season to pass though was the grieving season. This season in particular took full on control of my life. I could be perfectly happy and content and then… BOOM. Trigger. BOOM BOOM. Trigger. It seemed as though I could find everything and anything to be a trigger in my life. A reason to go back to the moment when I first learned of everything. It was like running on a treadmill, and just going absolutely nowhere. I am sure that even though I can honestly sit here and say I am passed the grieving season, that I will probably face triggers for a long time. As someone going through affair recovery, I wish this season in my life on no one. I don’t usually wish bad seasons on people’s lives, but I definitely don’t wish this one. I still can’t fully tell you everything I felt in this season, but I can tell you that it was just that, a series of seasons, and not a life sentence.

Recently I have been all over in the Bible, but today I once again find myself in the book of Proverbs. In particular I read from Proverbs 3:5-8 and it says: “Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go. Don’t think for a moment that you know it all, for wisdom comes when you adore him with undivided devotion and avoid everything that’s wrong. Then you will find the healing refreshment your body and spirit long for.” After I read this, I had to read it again, because I was like, wait, did I really just read exactly what I needed? Yes, God chose to speak to me pretty directly. Pursuing healing isn’t easy, plunging into season after season is like treading deeper into waters, but it’s a powerful choice I am choosing to make out of a love beyond just me. Sometimes I maybe do even get tired from trying to stay afloat, and just making sure I get passed the next wave, but in Psalms 107:29 it says “He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves.” Through the stormy seasons of life, at times God says to the waves “peace be still,” and at other times He tells us “peace be still” when we are in the midst of the waves, but God’s love for us will always see us through. It’s risky, because I can’t control it. However, I am not alone, and it’s all a process, and God is just so good at preparing me for all of the seasons in my life…when I let him. Sending up prayers of courage and strength for everyone who may be currently struggling with letting go and letting God.

Sending my love, Taylor G.

One thing throughout this journey that has really opened my eyes is something Josh has actually learned through his therapist and self reflections, and it’s that he had created this long list of impossible expectations for me, ones he himself couldn’t live up to, and the craziest part of this list is that I didn’t even know about a single one of the expectations on this list. How can I reach an expectation that I don’t even know about? How can I then be expected to live up to something that he himself couldn’t have ever lived up to? I can’t, and the realization of this spoke volumes to me, because I myself am guilty of this. When it comes to the kids, for a long time I expected them to be these perfect little beings who listened and weren’t loud or disruptive, I felt embarrassed or guilty for even having to take them to the back room as babies during church. It wore on me as a parent and I know it affected the kids, because many times I would react in frustration to it.

Upon hearing this come out of the mouth of my betrayer, I realized that I too am guilty of this and not only just to him but as well as to myself. I without any intentions created this invisible and impossible lengthy list of expectations that not one single person should ever be held accountable for not being able to maintain. Not to mention when my own therapist mentioned how I was doing it even now in reaction to fear from the hurt and trauma impacted upon me, I realized that if fighting for a new marriage is what I want, I have to fight clean. Now let me stand and say that does not mean one minute of it will be easy, not one minute of it will I not hurt, but the time I invest in being angry or hurt from the fact that Josh can’t meet an impossible expectation that I never even clued him in on will be time invested in creating a new marriage, but especially a new relationship. Some may be confused with this idea, but the mourning I endured was a dead marriage. A failed marriage that I no longer wanted to revive. As far as things go, I cohabitate. We are cordial and getting along, and honestly really good friends. We are coming to know each other all over again, because the truth is, we really didn’t know the people we had grown into. We played house, there was always love for our children, and care for each other but the friendship was no longer, and in order to continue a relationship, if that’s the route I choose to go, we have to start clean, which by the way with kids and living together is hard. With that being said we never expected any of this to be easy, that’s the one normal expectation we actually had, however he was so lost in whatever he was drowning in that it was really only hard for one of us. Now he has to actually put in the work, and he is totally realizing how blinded he was by everything, and he sees what it’s like being the only one working toward a working marriage. Being in reverse rolls for a little bit, taught him empathy, and he has more respect for me because of it.

So if you don’t know this about me I struggle with OCD, it plays a huge roll in my reaction to things, how my days play out, in full disclosure my OCD has had a huge control over my life for a long time. When I say OCD many people don’t realize that it doesn’t necessarily mean a neat freak, do I enjoy cleaning yes. Some of my best time spent is cleaning, it’s an escape for me to be busy doing something else but giving me the free head space to have a full on conversation with God. When it comes to my OCD, I do strange anal retentive things like counting the silverware making sure they are all perfectly in place, if a piece of a set of dishes breaks I feel like the rest is also broken, a piece is broken and I have a really hard time with this and the urge to just replace it. Yes I know it’s just a broken bowl or broken plate, to you, but to me it’s a part of a missing set, and it’s now incomplete, and I know this sounds insane I know. So when I looked at my family after all was said and done, and saw all of the brokenness, how the set was no longer complete, I realized that I couldn’t just throw them away, unlike a set of dishes my family is not replaceable, but in God it could be made new. Giving that control to God and losing the expectations of everyone else accept what I can actually control was both a challenge and a blessing.

So let’s talk about some things maybe some of you may or may not realize, the affair was not what destroyed my marriage and/or relationship, they are two separate issues. There is no excusing what he did or didn’t do, but nobody is perfect and everyone is capable of making mistakes. What destroyed those things however was the both of us, and I fully take responsibility for the things I contributed to the death of our marriage and our relationship. It takes two to make and break a marriage, the affair was like the cherry on top, or in other words it was the grand finale of a titanic marriage. It was slowly and inevitably sinking, yet we weren’t searching for each others life rafts, instead we were watching it sink without saying or doing anything to stop it. People are capable of change, and let me state Josh did a horrible thing, and not just one horrible thing, he did many more horrible things, but he isn’t a horrible person. In fact he’s a good guy, an amazing father, and a dependable friend when needed, and those types of people are hurting when they hurt people. I know this because I too have been capable of inflicting pain because I myself was in pain. What he did can’t be fixed, or reversed, but he can use it as a lesson learned, one I hope he never would want to do again. Especially if I find him worthy of another chance. When you know better you do better. Forgiveness isn’t a free pass, if you keep asking forgiveness for doing the same thing over and over again two things, are you really sorry? Or why do you even seek forgiveness if you aren’t learning from the mistake? Mistakes will happen, but when there’s a consistent map of the same mistake being committed over and over, then that’s when you are no longer making a mistake, it’s now a choice. You’re choosing to do wrong, and not innocently either. I say this knowing that in the end forgiveness will be given, regardless of the turnout, because that’s Gods will for me. I don’t want to be trapped loathing over things I can’t control.

So I know there are still so many parts to fill in but I took longer than I thought from sorting through my thoughts to piece this together. Today especially I have really been so drawn and present for the book of Proverbs, it’s my favorite book to read through over and over because it speaks to me so personally. Earlier I was reading from chapter 17, and it’s a lot about wisdom, but it also outlines so many emotions in relationships we have, whether it’s your parents, children, spouse, or even a best friend, this one chapter outlines so many mistakes we may make so often in those relationships. So specifically for me I highlighted Proverbs 17:9, and it says “Love overlooks the mistakes of others, but dwelling on the failures of others devastates friendship.” This verse really hit me because it really emphasizes love, a love that is Christlike, a love that calls for forgiveness, at first when I was reading through, I was confused and maybe even slightly offended, because it seems as though God is telling you to cover up a repeated sin from someone you love, but I read through it a few more times and then some from Psalms and I realized that it’s talking about forgiveness, from freeing the one we love from the guilt of their transgression, the one that even I feel the need to constantly remind Josh of. Josh knows what he did, and his guilt and ultimate forgiveness will NEVER be found or satisfied within me, that’s between him and God, and if I continue to dwell on it I am only feeding satan with the satisfaction he craves. Not to mention it’s so exhausting allowing it to take over every aspect of your life, this darkness will feed off of your pain and misery, turning all of your good and precious memories into moments you just want to forget. That’s a darkness that will kill the very idea of a relationship.

So taking a step back and after reading through Proverbs about mistakes in relationships, wisdom and ultimately forgiveness, and then coming to understand the hurt having unrealistic expectations can cause, I found a link, it’s the mind blowing type where you know God is speaking to you through His word and you just get so excited, because it brings me to something I say so often but I don’t always pay attention to. LET GO AND LET GOD. We have the power to change our expectations, and live on Faith alone. Love from God is unconditional, and having a Christlike love means loving each other unconditionally as well. The definition of the word ‘Expectation’ is: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. The only thing we can really believe in happening that won’t get our hopes up, because we know it will happen is that if we give our life to the Lord one day we will also be with Him.

I hope everyone is staying safe, and well. Jesus loves you. Thank you for reading and honestly for all of the positive feedback.

Until next time! -Taylor G.

For many years I battled with listening and truly hearing, especially when it came to God. God was sending me a message and it was very clear, but I was afraid of choosing to hear him, and knowing what would follow soon after. It was overwhelming. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of the bubble I created, a bubble I didn’t even allow God a part in creating, like most He was safely on the outside of my bubble, but the difference between God and most is he is all powerful and I was soon going to learn that. In January of 2020 God showed me the power he was capable of and completely burst my little safe bubble. My world was shattered, my heart was broken, and I was so lost. I chose to finally listen and hear what God was telling me. I also allowed myself to feel comfortable in God, and His word. It felt as though a tornado targeted my life, my beautiful life full of beautiful memories and then it came back for full on vengeance. I was shaken but in His hands I was still. God was in control of everything from this point, he controlled the words that came out of me, especially in response to the news I had just received, he protected my heart from losing the pieces that were just shattered and in the midst of the warmth of protection, the reality that my family was no longer, thickened the air I was breathing.

In December of 2016, Carter and I were visiting family in Iowa, during this time Josh had an affair. God never said in clear words “You’re husband cheated” but he continuously left me with a heart drop, like the part of the roller coasters that everything inside of you just drops. I would feel this and then hear the words “there is more.” I don’t know if you can imagine my first reaction to this but it’s something along the lines of a laugh and motion sickness. I thought I was going crazy. I would even confront Josh about these feelings, and ask him if he had anything he needed to tell me, I was always met with denial. Denial. Denial and more denial. This only furthered the idea that I was losing it. A ticking time bomb. Every time I ignored Gods words and just continued about my comfortable life, the feeling of the drop grew. It was debilitating.

Fast forward from December of 2016, to January 2020, the feeling grew as big as it could possibly get, this time I was prepared for the battle God had been warning me of, he had also been molding me and readying me for the task, I one hundred percent believe this because the outcome of my fight and what I am fighting for would have been different then verses now. I was so broken and lost back then, but I was also unwilling to hear. I had no self esteem so I would’ve clung to Josh and ignored my own hurt because I didn’t think of myself at all in those times. Everything I did was always for Josh, the kids, or someone at church. I always came last to myself, and then one day I realized that I always came last to everyone else also….especially my own husband. Josh always had a way of picking everything over me, and so I became used to that. I forgot what it was like to be loved at all…including by myself. Self love is so important and I had absolutely none. If my own husband couldn’t look at me why would I or anyone else want to? Those are the things I had convinced myself of. I was slowly dying and I didn’t even know it.

In April of 2018, I felt this crazy urge to move back to Houston where my family was. God later opened the idea and doors for school, having a job again, and some actual help with the kids. I had many back and forth discussions with The Man upstairs on why I could or couldn’t do so. A few months later I was in deep prayer, God revealed this idea to me again, and reminded me of my earlier choice to ignore Him. I then realized that the whole plan to move back involved a whole lot of change for just me and what MY life could look like…and that scared me. I chose to listen. When Josh came home that day, I decided to tell him of Gods plan that he had revealed for me. Joshs immediate refusal burned. I had always chose him, I gave up so many plans I wanted to do and achieve to be with him and all I wanted and needed was for him to choose me for once. I decided the conversation was no longer healthy and decided we should both pray, rest, and discuss it later. That night God gave me his plan again and when I thought about it, I realized that it didn’t involve Josh at all. In the morning I mustered up the courage and told Josh that God had made his plan for me perfectly clear, and so I was going through with it. That left Josh with a choice, stay and try to endure a long distance relationship or choose me for once and go as a family. During all of this Josh had been hiding his affair still, he was struggling with porn and in a path of complete darkness. I was mostly oblivious to it all because I ignored Gods message to me. Josh took a few days and prayed on it, he came home with the news that he would follow me.

The next few weeks we prayed together every night, something we hadn’t done in a while, we prepared for camps and our big mission trip. The day came where it was time to talk to the head pastor and elders about Gods plan for our lives. After a long and honestly fun summer we packed our things and moved back to Houston. That summer I finally learned to listen and really hear God and man did he have so much more planned for me, and you’ll learn more about everything new and old and in between in blogs to come. You see when you really listen and hear God things begin to make more sense, life becomes more clear with a sense of direction regardless of the pain or your current circumstances, and when you choose to ignore Him because you’re uncomfortable with what he has to say, you miss so much of what God has to offer, the darkness you feel grows and you continue to feel lost. Most of the time I still have no idea what will become of Josh and I, but I can usually rest easy knowing that it’s beyond my control and that’s okay, I don’t want to be all knowing, God is taking care of me regardless.

So I have 2 bible verses that have really been speaking to me and the reason I actually felt brave enough to finally do this today. First is Mark 4:24 and it’s from The Passion Translation I really enjoy this version as well as The Message and those will be mostly the versions I use in this blog, so here goes it “Then he said to them, “Be diligent to understand the meaning behind everything you hear, for as you do, more understanding will be given to you. And according to the depth of your longing to understand, much more will be added to you.” The second verse is Psalm 25:4-5 which I also used The Passion Translation for reading “Those who are clean—whose works and ways are pure, whose hearts are true and sealed by the truth, those who never deceive, whose words are sure. They will receive the Lord’s blessing and righteousness given by the Savior-God.”

I have so much more to write, and I can’t wait to use this blog as a platform, more or less a window into my journey. But if I put everything in one post it wouldn’t be a blog. Any-who, if you took the time to read this thank you, and feedback is always welcome too.

Stay Blessed, Taylor G.